When Grief and Joy Co-Exist

Grief and joy can co-exist. How do we grieve well and experience joy too? Read my experience with this over the past year and read my tips for when grief and joy co-exist.

The last year has been a wild ride. We adopted our son and soon after got pregnant (which was an absolute shock after 3+ years of infertility). We are so thankful for our kids and for God's timeline, and there has been so much joy, but mixed within the joy, there has also been a lot of grief. 

Adoption came with a lot of emotions I didn't expect. I felt pretty confident in adopting an older child because I had nannied full-time and learned a lot. And yet, when we brought our son home, I was quickly hit with emotions similar to postpartum depression and a lot of overwhelm. I was thrilled he was there, and yet I was grieving that I was struggling emotionally.

Why didn't we bond immediately? Will he love me? What if he grows up to resent me? 

Then a month and a half later, we found out that we were pregnant. What I had longed for suddenly felt too overwhelming. How would I care for two under two? Then I was sick almost my entire pregnancy.

I was joyful that I had my son, and joyful that we would have a daughter, but I was grieving because I felt like I wasn't able to be really present for my son in the first few months of him being with us because of how sick I was. I wasn't myself, I was plagued with overwhelm, and I was physically unable to do very much with him at all. I felt cheated out of the experience of motherhood, and angry that I felt horrible all the time.

Then we had our daughter. At this point, I had lost 40 lbs, mostly due to sickness during pregnancy. We were over the moon about her and enjoyed the first few weeks with her, but then I kept losing more weight and started having painful symptoms that we thought was surgical gas... but then it kept getting worse. 

I would have attacks that would put me in the fetal position. I was in so much pain and couldn't take care of the kids. Again, I felt so cheated. How was it that I finally had children, but I couldn't properly care for them. Why was I in so much pain? 

I had my gallbladder removed two weeks ago. I can tell it has already helped a lot of my symptoms, praise God. I'm so thankful for that. I'm so thankful for God's provision in a lot of ways: in my mother-in-law moving to town in the winter (we truly would have been lost without her), in being approved for an insurance that I wasn't even trying to apply for, that ended up helping me get my surgery, in the way our daughter is the most chill baby in the whole wide world (we needed that). We are thankful, and there is a lot of joy, but truth be told, there's still a lot of grief. 

I grieve my physical limitations that still continue as I heal from surgery. I grieve all the lost time with my kids due to illness. I grieve my emotions that I struggled with so heavily at the beginning of adoption. I grieve how overwhelmed caused me to resent my pregnancy at first. I grieve my bad attitude and bitterness about all of these things. 

But God is so good. Even amidst all the difficult things, he is good. He is good because that's who he is, but he also, in his kindness has granted us such good gifts. There is so much joy in being able to raise children with my husband. There is so much joy in getting to live a simple life with them. 

It is entirely possible to be thankful and be joyful, while grieving at the same time. God isn't appalled by our grief. And yet, he calls us to be joyful. These things can co-exist.

One caveat - there is a difference between grieving and whining. It is not a sin to grieve. But when we stay there long-term, when we begin to throw a pity party, when we let bitterness seep in, and when we dwell on the things that didn't "go right", that is sin. This is a great temptation in discouragement, but we must cling to God and trust his goodness despite pain, loss, and suffering. 

There is joy to be had, even when we grieve. See below for a few tips and encouragements about how to do this.

4 Tips for Finding Joy during Grief

1. First and foremost, remember what God has done for you through Jesus' sacrifice. In this, we can remember how good God is even when other things in our lives are difficult.
   
   
2. Search the Bible for scripture that helps you refocus away from bitterness or despair.
   A few that encourage me: James 1:17, Philippians 4:8, 2 Corinthians 12:9
   
   
3. Take your hurt, longing, and overwhelm to God in prayer. He wants to hear, and it's a privilege to be able to cry out to God.
   
   
4. Thing through the blessings in your life. List them. Thank God for them. Rejoice over them. Enjoy them. 

You don't have to feel ashamed of your grief. You don't have to feel guilty for it. You can let your grief point you back to your need for God. Let it remind you that your ultimate belonging is in Heaven where there will be no more sorrow. And don't be afraid to let joy and grief mingle. Let yourself enjoy the good gifts that God has given you. Be thankful. Acknowledge the good. This life will not ever be perfect because of the effects of sin, but there is so much joy to be found. Praise the Lord. 

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